An Ode to Drunk Dialing. That shit cray.
Ring ring.. Ring Ring ..
Sober Dude: Hello?
Drunk Girl: Hiiiiiii.. ohhhh I meant to call my mom!!!
Sober Dude: You wanted to talk to your mom at 2:13am?
Drunk Girl: HEHEHE YOU ARE SO FUNNY .. gosh .. I miss you! Where are you?
Sober Dude: Yea I’m in bed ..
Drunk Girl: Come hang out with me
Sober Dude: I mean if you wanna hang out with me in bed..
Drunk Girl: HEHEHE YOU ARE SO FUNNY .. I FREAKING MIS- OMG IT’S MY SONG.
Drake. He’s one sexy man, and his new album, Take Care, is even sexier (Click to Listen). Ever wonder why his first single “Marvin’s Room” was so popular? Because it’s identifiable. As in “Awww sh!t, that was me last week” identifiable. I’m willing to bet all of our readers and then some have experienced a forbidden Drunk Dial Disaster before. Now, thanks to his sultry lyrics, Drake manages to make d-dialing in “Marvin’s Room” fashionably sexy.
Drunk Dialing (if you need a definition, you’re either a demi-God of self-control, OR, you do not own a cell phone.
Drun*kh DYE-ling (noun, verb, self-help issue) syn. Drunk Texting = the act of dropping all inhibitions and calling someone you shouldn’t, to discuss something you shouldn’t, at a time you definitely shouldn’t.
Example: Looking at your call log, after a night out, and noticing multiple calls to your last ex, your first love, the guy or girl you have a crush on at the moment, or the one who got away. And of course, friends and present lovers, you all get those drunk calls as well. Sentence: Oh Noooooo, I drunk-dialed him.
There are three main types of Drunk Dialing/Texts.
- The “Oh Well” Calls/Texts
- The “Oh Shit” Calls/Texts
- The “OMG I am never drinking again” calls/texts
“Oh Well” Calls/Texts
Drunk Scale: 20-30% On the way there, but not just that drunk yet.
These are messages that we look at and shake our head, “Really? Was that necessary?” They are the standard ‘no harm, no foul’ text messages. You may have texted your best friend how much you love her, and after her responding “I love you too”, you proceeded to text her 3 more times, about how much you mean it, and how much you love her family, friends, college, and puppy named Butternuts. You may have texted your girlfriend how cute she is and how you can’t wait to see her tomorrow. These are harmless calls/texts which may make you giggle, but nothing you will lose sleep over.
The Infamous “Oh Shit” Calls/Texts
Drunk Scale: 30% – 60% Legally drunk, have a decent recollection of events, may have had a slight next day hangover
Why are these infamous? Well, we love Breaking Dawn as much as the next Vampire obsessed blogging duo, but sometimes as the above text message displays appropriately, we do slightly stupid things. These calls are often made multiple times to anyone you feel like calling, so if you happen to call your cousin in Texas 13 times you’ll have an “Oh Shit” moment. These can be borderline “OMG” calls/texts as well. If you call that super cute guy who you see in class every Mondays and Wednesdays during Nonverbal Communication (fancy that), and leave him a good ole drunk voicemail, wellllll .. we’ll let you decide if that’s an “Oh Shit” call or an “OMG” call.
The calls tend to temporarily jolt us back to the scene of the crime – all of a sudden you see yourself slogging down another crown and coke, and we begin to have thoughts like ”crap, that yeger bomb probably wasn’t a great idea”, or “did you NEED to call her because your song was on? did you?”. We get very vivid reminders of where we were when we picked up our phone, or why we needed to reach out in the first place, laced with regret of course.
“OMG .. I am never drinking again” calls/texts
Drunk Scale: 60% – 100% Legally wasted. You had shots, mixed drinks, danced to every song, missed your ex, and probably hugged the toilet at some point. Hangover? Haha, you wish the pain ended there.
Yup. You just had one of those prolific nights. The awesome thing, is you probably had such a terrific night that you’re bound to end up with a new Facebook profile picture – because hey, last night you was da (wo)man homie! Here have a few tylenol, have some water .. where’s your phone? Oh. Here it is.
Say It Ain’t So Checklist:
- You texted your ex.
- You texted your ex’s mom or immediate family members
- You texted your girlfriend, and addressed her as your ex
- You called your brother, thinking it was your boyfriend and left some inappropriate voicemail
- You spoke with your ex and told her how much you wanted to get back with her … and her husband made her hang up
- You called your boyfriend, called your ex, called your boyfriends ex, called your ex’s sister, and finally called a cab
- You thought that your big break would be similar to Kim Kardashian and indulged in some sexy photos of yourself, which you sent out to random friends/lovers/family
If you answered at least one of those with a “yes” well then congrats my friend .. you’ve entered the final jeopardy round of drunk dialing!
OMG. I AM NEVER DRINKING AGAIN. And if you’re the average female or male, you will never drink again. #lieswetellourselves
Now what? Oh yes, the metaphoric walk of shame. The apology. The apology is tricky, I can not tell you how many times I’ve heard the laughter after one receives the “Dude, sorry about last night, I was faded” text message. Sometimes the apology text may be worth it, i.e. if you called your best friend 15 times before her interview the next AM, or if you bothered your brother by texting him senseless gar-baaage.
The apology text is really upto you, I’m a fan of jetting from the scene of a drunken call crime – I believe if you’re guilty, let it be. Chances are you both know you were faded, and don’t need to bring it up further. It’s all about mitigating your embarrassment at that point. Don’t be the desperado who calls, apologizes, and then feels the need to further clarify.
All in all, I’m not saying let’s eliminate drunk calls or text messages. I’d be lying to say I don’t find them flattering from time to time, but let’s collectively learn what levels are okay and not. I wrote this blog post to educate my fellow ages 15-45 year olds who have issues d-dialing. I figure as long as we all stay somewhere between the “Oh Well” and “Oh Shit” stages, we’ll still be salvageable. It’s just the OMG communication we need to try to curb, especially since it’s avoidable!!! Good luck kitten and male-kitten!